


It Gets Better

by ohhowellno



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 09:30:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5243255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohhowellno/pseuds/ohhowellno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the last year of high school for Dan and Phil. They have been dating for a little over a year and they have it figured out. Phil is going to join the army just for a bit, sure he doesn't seem like the type of person who would be in the army, but he needs the money for Uni. Dan is going to start the first semester of Uni without Phil. The last year of high school is supposed to be the best. Little did they know that it would not be the worst year. Written in Dan's POV through a journal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Gets Better

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of me and and ex. I posted this like a week before he dumped me. I was so upset and I was going to take this down, but honestly I've realized that boys are dumb and not to take down a work that I am actually very proud of. I was also going to add a chapter talking about how much "Dan" was angry at "Phil" for dumping him, but I decided not to ruin that either. Because I am not making my whole life revolve around some dumb boy. Sorry for this rant before had to get it off my chest.

Dear Journal, 15/1/15  
My depression is coming back. I can feel it. Its like a dark cloud in my brain. I can only fight it away for so long. I don't want to go to the Dr. I think I can fight it off myself. I know I can. I just need to try harder. I will do it for Phil. I've been dating almost for a year. I just want to do it, for him. I think I will be fine. Last year when I first started feeling it, it was a lot worse feeling and I fought it off with barely any help. I will be ok. Sorry with all the sad stuff. Let's see, Phil and I are really happy. Seriously. Everything we do is happy.  
The only thing that bothers me is that he is going to go into the army right after we graduate. The thing is while he is in basic training I won't be able to talk to him like at all. I'm sure I will survive. It still sucks the only way that I can talk to him is by sending him letters. Though most of the time he is training I will be visiting some friends in Italy. So like I said I will be fine. It will fly by. 

Dear Journal, 1/2/15  
Everything that Phil has been doing has been driving me crazy. He's too happy for everything. Sometimes I just want to say holy shit shut the hell up. I still love him. I love him with all of my heart. Seriously. I think its the depression. Ok I admit. Its getting bad. I feel like there is a cloud of black smoke in my brain and I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my shoulders all at the same time. My grades are slipping, again. Just like they did last year. I also started cutting again. I honestly have no idea why it just gets my mind off of things i guess. Phil and I's anniversary is in a week. This will be interesting. I really don't want to anymore. I don't know what I don't want to, I just know I don't want to.

Dear Journal, 18/2/15  
I broke up with Phil today. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. I hate myself for it. Why the hell would I do this. I don't know why. I just did. Everyone probably thinks that I am some major asshole. I don't care. Deep down I know that I am. People aren't seeing how bad I am. They see my cuts but none of my friends even seem to care. Sometimes I just wish that someone. Phil, my other friends or hell even my mum would ask if I was ok. But they don't they never do. They don't even seem to care. No one cares. I am so done with this.

Dear Journal, 19/2/15  
I'm done. I hate myself.

Dear Journal, 21/3/15  
Wow. It has been a while. So that last time that I wrote was not a good day. I skipped school. I was home alone. I was sad and I was mad at myself for dumping Phil. So I tried to do it. I tried to get rid of myself. It was bad. And the thing is, once again, no one seems to care. At all. I think maybe my friend PJ texted me a quick, "hey where are you?" and that was it. Thanks dude. I probably looked like a pussy. Dumping my boyfriend and then not showing up to school the next day. Great. Well it's been about a month. I'm still so bad almost every day after school I just want to hide in my bedroom, wrapped up in my blanket. But a lot of times I can't. I either have to go to work, or I get yelled at by my mother for being too lazy. Does she really not see it? I think the cuts on my wrist would be enough. She either doesn't see or she doesn't give a flying fuck about them. Either way I feel like no one gives a shit about me at all. I mean Phil always talks about how hot dude over there is or how much he wants to tap the guy over there. It is so hard because my friends PJ and Chris is still really close with him and they are always around him. It's so annoying. Maybe I could tell them that I obviously would not get it. They have never been this bad.... i think. And they have never been in a real relationship. They also don't care about me either. They always want to have a friend get together with him there. It is so hard. When I see his beautiful eyes it makes me remember what they looked like when I dumped him and that reminds me how much of a terrible person. God what the hell is wrong with me... I'm such a bad person. God.

Dear Journal, 29/4/15  
Well. I've been trying to get Phil to get away from me. Maybe if he hates me I won't see him as much then I won't be as terribly miserable. I've been mean to him. I can be mean, but this is like meaner than I usually am. PJ has called me out on it a couple of times. I just can't help it. I think that I have a good plan to get him away from me. The good news is that some days I have been feeling better. I honestly think it is because I have been staying away from Phil as much as I possibly can. When I'm just around PJ and Chris it's like I'm completely back to normal. I don't know. I will see. I'm just ready for this year to be over. Oh also Phil and I were planning on going to the University of London together after he was done with the military. But I changed it quick and decided to go to Manchester instead. He was shocked, so was my other friends. Because I just barely decided like, an hour ago. I haven't even done the application yet. We will see.

Dear Journal, 13/5/15  
Well, looks like I'm going to Manchester. It's final. My mum won't let me change again. I regret it so much. I feel better than I have for quite a while and I actually talked to Phil the other day. It seemed like before. I still love him. But I know that he still doesn't love me. I know it. I've been such an ass to him. But he seemed happy when he was talking to me so I do still have that little thing of hope. We graduate in a week. I go to Italy in 10 days and he goes to training in 14 days. Is it bad that I kind of don't want to go to Italy because that means that I wont get to see him as much as possible. Damn it Dan. Get your head out of it.

Dear Journal, 21/5/15  
Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. So Phil, Chris and I went to the park at like 1 in the morning because it was the day after our graduation and we don't know how to be adults. There was this stray cat and Chris being Chris ran after it. Phil and I sat together on the swings his hand was hanging down a bit and so was mine. They kind of were brushing together when Phil grabbed it and our fingers laced together. I whispered, "I'm so sorry." and told him the story. The entire thing. From start to finish. Tears streaming down my face. He pulled me into his arms and just held me. We took Chris home and then he drove me home. We sat in my drive way for what seemed like forever. We cuddled, made out, talked and cried. I still have no idea what will happen between us. He is going to the military and I am going to a different country for this summer. Then I am going to a different university than I already planned. I don't care though. I have another three days with him.

Dear Journal, 24/5/15  
I don't even know anymore. I am so emotionally drained. These past few days have been amazing. They have been like it was before all the awful stuff, but now I am beyond sad again. Here is the story. Phil and I had sex in his car. Yeah I know. Not too fun. But we both needed it. We drove to my home and sat in my drive way... again. Phil was like so now what. And I was like i don't know. I still love you the most. He said I love you too, but I don't know how this will work. "what" I said. I just don't know anymore. it seems like everything is against us is what he said. Are you dumping me I asked. "No maybe, I don't know," he said. "Just do it then" "I'm sorry Dan, i really am. I love you so much. Maybe we could be like a Nicholas Sparks book and get together and make it work someday" This is when I burst in tears. "No Dan please don't" "NO. I'm done." I said and I slammed the car door as I got out. My mum was on the sofa when I walked in. "Where were you. You were always late when you two are together. Seriously are you even ready. We are leaving for Italy tomorrow. Seriously wow. You are late because of him." "Well you don't have to worry about him mum BECAUSE HE JUST DUMPED ME." I yelled then I burst into tears for the second time that night. My mum sat silent on the sofa. Then I said, "I'm going to bed." Now here I am. I am so through with this bullshit. Maybe I will be alone forever because he was the one for me but no one not even him thinks that.

Dear Journal, 28/7/15  
Wow it has been awhile. I'm already home from Italy. It was super fun. But I could not stop thinking about Phil. I would have a fun day but then when I went to bed that night I cried because I miss him so much. So I decided to take things into my own hands. If I wanted to talk to him I had to send him letters. this was not going to be a goddamn Nicholas Sparks book. I hate those books. I was going to do this my self. I love him and he still loves me he just doesn't know how it'll work. I will make it work. I got Chris to go to Phil's house to get his parents to give him Phil's address then Chris came and gave it to me. I wrote him a long letter and said that I would write him everyday. It's been three days and I have been doing pretty good. I think I will wait until he answers. 

Dear Journal, 6/8/15  
So.. its been like 2 weeks and still no answer. Its ok. I go to this camp thing that my mum signed me up for. If he doesnt answer by then I will give up. I sent him no where as many letters as I thought I would. I don't want to feel like a weird creep. I'll see I still have a week.

Dear Journal, 13/8/15  
Its been a week.....

Dear Journal, 20/8/15  
HOLY SHIT. SO while I was at this camp my phone went off. I was a bit confused. IT WAS PHIL! He called me and the first 5 minutes were me crying. He then asked me why I didn't answer his letters. I said I never got one of his letters. He was confused. He answered all of them. When I got home sure enough there were three letters. Explaining how dumping me was the worst decision in his life. We can and should make it work. I am so ready to make it work.

Dear Journal, 26/9/15  
First month of college done! Phil and I are almost back to normal. He also told me that when he gets back from his military he is going to come and join me in Manchester. I can't wait. I just have to wait for a few months!

Dear Journal, 19/11/15  
We are back to normal. He is back from his military stuff he just can't start uni until the start of the next year so he comes and visits me up in Manchester as much as he can. I look back at this old journal and I see how bad I used to be and it is true. Things really do get better.


End file.
